I had a recent scare regarding an unknown mass in my lower abdomen that was discovered during a routine health exam. On the day of my ultrasound, I found myself unexpectedly worried and wrote the following in my journal entry:
Today’s my ultrasound to see what the “pelvic mass” is that’s pressing down on my uterus area. It has grown within the last week, I feel, and since Saturday night, I’ve experienced symptoms of indigestion, heartburn, swelling and bloating that would not go down, along with some aches and slight pain. These were the symptoms that had been missing when I had searched for words like “uterine cancer”, “ovarian cancer”, “fibroids” and the like. I’m relieved that the ultrasound date is finally here. It has been 3 weeks since my examination at UCSF Medical Center, and it has been a wait, longer than I had expected. Somehow seeing the professionals take it seriously and seeing the words “significant pelvic mass” written on the referral form in black ink makes it concrete and real. It’s no longer a matter of wondering and hoping that it was a figment of my imagination.
Although I should have been more aggressively concerned...I know. I am in the realm of what they consider at risk – 41 years old with a history of breast cancer from my mother and my aunt.
Different facts that I’ve heard passing by now stop and linger, of people whose span of diagnosis to death was around 3 to 6 months. Frances’ mom, Gary’s boss’ wife, distant co-workers, distant relatives of our church members, etc., of many cases where from diagnosis to death was unexpected and swift.
Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night because of the pressing bladder (it feels somewhat like mid-term pregnancy), and I lay there, looking into the darkness and felt sudden panic. All I know is my consciousness; the world I know comes from my perspective, and what happens when I am no more? Will I be in heaven with God eternally? What does that look like, really? Heaven seemed easier to accept, more palatable in daylight and in better health, but it threw a shadow of doubt in darkness and in poor health. I remember having these panic attacks as a child, 8 years old, in Korea, after attending my great-grandfather’s funeral and seeing a picture of him in a casket. That particular sense of doom and darkness did not go away until about 6th grade when I learned about Jesus and heaven for the first time at Sunday School. Now, I’m 41 and have taught Sunday Schools, youth, college, young adult and even elder Korean department women. And I’m reduced to the sensation of an 8-year old, feeling the weight of that darkness.
This morning, I wondered what the Devotional Text was and what God would say to me. After all, the DTs in Psalm have been mainly about David’s pain and rage against his enemies, crying out for vengeance, and then yesterday’s was about his own repentance. They were good but how would they address me in this specific area, I wondered? Then I saw verses 4 and 5 of Psalm 39.
"Show me, O LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath."
Wow. All I could say was, God, You are alive and You know and You speak loud and clear! Suddenly, David talks about his life’s end, the number of his days, the fleeting nature of his life. He asked God to show him his life’s end and the number of his days. I now recall the passage from Sunday’s message and Isaiah 40:28-29 - "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."
Yes, He does, and He knows. He is showing me how fleeting my life is, how important yet how unimportant my life is in the grand scheme of things. My days and my years are “a mere handbreadth” and “as nothing” before Him, because He is so grand, life is so grand, much grander and bigger than my one life.
“Each man’s life is but a breath.” Isn’t this true? I read of death accounts daily, don’t I? Whether it’s the rising count in Iraq, or violence in the Mission district, or accidents in Oregon, or murder-suicide by a celebrity, or natural passing of a revered evangelist’s wife, they occur daily. And, if that was all there was to life, then it is a hopeless world indeed, and nihilism is the only natural conclusion. I hear about it daily, but it hits home the most when it is about me. I guess that is the result of ultimate self-centeredness from the fall.
God is showing me the reality of “my life’s end and the number of my days” and “how fleeting is my life.” I realized how, even in the midst of tragedies that we pray for, like Kevin’s brother’s tragic accident, I still did not see the reality of the frailty of life, and how God has made “my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years as nothing before [Him]. Each man’s life is but a breath.”
God’s words of comfort were not that I’ll be fine, but that life is fleeting and my days are numbered. Why should that comfort anyone? Doesn’t that actually frighten you? Doesn’t that send you into a panic attack? There are many comforting verses – some of my favorites are Romans 8 and Hebrews 4 - yet this one did indeed comfort by affirming the truth that I’ve learned over the years. It is that, our deepest need is not to be told that we’ll be all right or we’ll be healed or saved. That’s actually the secondary level – still important, but not the core. The core is that God is with me, He knows and sees, and my life is but a particle in His grand scheme of things. There is an incomparable peace in knowing that I’m part of a planned whole, that I am not alone and abandoned. That is the greater and deeper need that we all have as humans, because we are created in His image and He is so.
How do we not get consumed with life? When we face that life is fleeting and our end is uncertain and soon, and we are part of His grand, unfathomable plan. Verses from Psalm 39 ...
6 "Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro: He bustles about, but only in vain; he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it. 7 But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you… 12 "Hear my prayer, O LORD, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping. For I dwell with you as an alien, a stranger, as all my fathers were. 13 Look away from me, that I may rejoice again before I depart and am no more."
In light of all that, David asked for God to save him. And, so shall I. Now, I will ask God to save me, to make the mass benign and treatable.
I was at peace and assured that I was in His hands. The ultrasound revealed multiple fibroids which were harmless but will be removed. It was a scare, but I thank God for personally addressing me with His Word.