Every May, our tradition of cheering on graduating seniors with thunderous applause during commencement has always been a memorable moment for me ever since my freshman year. It is a celebration of how they made it through four years of all-nighters, research papers, and final exams, and at an institution like UC Berkeley, it is quite an accomplishment.

Now on the receiving end, in my own cap and gown, I have reflected on the past four years and what I have accomplished. On one of my graduation cards, it read "Congratulations on surviving four years at CAL and also surviving the spiritual journey!" It really struck me then that people were cheering for more than just academic achievement at the Greek Theatre every May. My leaders and friends were proud of me, not because I gave it my all during classes, but because I gave it all spiritually. Despite my mistakes and setbacks while trying to love and serve people, they're proud of how I got back up again and tried to be faithful. I think they were happy that I tried to lead a DT group, lived in the dorms to minister to freshmen, and tried to reach out to my friends, and although these things did not necessarily bring people to our church, I got to connect with God in a deeper way, realizing my purpose in God's work, and learning to give sacrificially. I was able to experience so much more than what could be summarized on a transcript or diploma—the care in a God-centered community, the opportunities in kingdom work, and a glimpse into the heart of God.

In a sense, through all the ups and downs of Christian living, I survived a leg of my spiritual journey, a time in which voices were simply saying to give up on Christian life or to strive after ambition and to prepare for my future instead of serving God. Yet even through all the failures and times when I gave into these voices, I finished—a job done. And in the end, I can't say that I graduated UC Berkeley with highest honors, but I know I had tried to give it my all, to give glory and honor to the Highest.

Yesterday, we went to the Salvation Army shelter in Oakland to celebrate Valentine's Day. I met a junior in high school named Matt (name changed for protection of the student), who attended Island High in Alameda. Perhaps the most poignant moment of the night was when I asked him, "Oh, so you drive to Alameda every day?" to which he responded, "No, I take two buses." He was very matter-of-fact about it, but when the words came out of his mouth, I was shocked by my ignorance. My eyes were opened to how much I take things for granted. A car seems so simple to me, but for this young man, it's something he could only dream of having. He doesn't even have a driver's license yet.

I'm so accustomed to my way of life that it's so easy to forget that I'm privileged and have been given very, very much. I feel so average around our church people that I forget that with respect to the rest of America--and the rest of the world, for that matter--I would venture to estimate that my standard of living is among the top five to ten percent. Many Americans don't have cars or computers; still more don't have a higher education. Most of all, these people don't have the spiritual community that I am surrounded by.

I have been given very, very much. Why should I have what I have when the world around me can only dream of it? I've been so blessed--physically, socially, economically, and spiritually. Why me? I don't deserve any of it, yet it's given freely. What shall I do? Hoard it all and continue to amass this blessing for myself? Dump it all out and throw it away, give it away? No, I need to steward it, grow it, and share it. It has been said, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked," and, "The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same." I have more than enough because of Christ; I must share what I've received from God so as to bring His blessings into the lives of others.

“Is this the right time?”

Chul posed this question during a staff meeting in late 2007 as we were mulling over the idea of the first ever ISM retreat.

The idea of an ISM retreat came about as we took stock of our ministry and realized that there were many students who were earnestly listening to and struggling with the Word of God. But it wasn’t a simple “let’s go” kind of decision. We knew what was at stake. While a retreat could be an immense benefit to our students, it could also turn them away. We wondered if this was God’s timing and if it wasn’t what were the consequences? That night we ended with the conclusion that we should pray and fast to seek clarity from the Lord.

In the weeks that ensued, Chul would begin our staff meetings with something along the lines of “Have you heard anything from God yet?” This question would always be followed by laughter, but it was a reminder that we really needed God's guidance. And the decision to move forward with the retreat and the planning of the retreat happened week by week, step by step as God clarified his perfect timing.

The date of the retreat was set for MLK Jr. weekend and it was with bated breath that we launched the retreat sign up page. We watched as students started to sign up; one at first, then five, ten, then twenty nine! We were in awe as we watched these numbers grew. Some of us wondered if the students understood that this was not like their school retreats, which were focused times of teambuilding, but rather a focused time of intense bible study. As we checked and confirmed, we found that many knew and were still willing to come! Praise God!

Ok so we had people coming but who would address them? Pastor Ed? The more we prayed, the more we knew this retreat was a special one, not only because it was our first ever but because we knew that this could be the turning point for many of our students.

It was only by God’s provision that we were able to get Pastor Timothy Rhee from Waypoint Community Church in Davis to be our retreat speaker. Pastor Timothy, head of Koinonia up at UC Davis, was scheduled to attend the Waypoint CC College Retreat that same weekend but somehow he was able to lead our entire retreat.

From the moment the announcement for the retreat went out to the minute we left for Sierra Lodge on Friday night, January 18th, it was a spiritual battle. A portion of every staff meeting was devoted to prayer. In the end about fifty people spent MLK Jr. weekend up at Sierra Lodge listening to Pastor Timothy’s clear presentation of the gospel. With each message, we witnessed hearts changing. The serious, and sometimes pained, expression on peoples’ faces was evidence that they were struggling with what they were hearing. Indeed, many of our students made great spiritual progress at this retreat.

We are so thankful to God for the five salvation decisions that were made at this retreat. But there is much more to be thankful for. As it is in ministry, we are not always able to see the fruit of our labors. During this retreat we had the awesome experience of being able to join in Heaven’s celebration over these precious brothers and sisters. We were also reminded again that God is faithful and that it is the work of the Holy Spirit that convicts us of our need for the Cross.

As a fairly new teacher for the 4th grade girls, I was hesitant and almost fearful to lead the song & dance scene for the 4th grade skit. Since all the 4th graders in Joyland were supposed to be in Joyland Christmas Celebration if they wanted to, the song & dance scene was mostly comprised of kids who were not assigned speaking roles. Many of these kids did not speak English as comfortably as the others kids in the skit and were more difficult to control. During practices, some were clearly bored, others wouldn't stop kicking each other, and in general, the atmosphere was increasingly tense. I knew that as a teacher I needed to show these kids the love of Christ more than anything else. Before each practice, I would dread herding these kids into the room to practice the steps over and over again - basically dread dealing with all their needs, whims, and requests.

However, the feelings of frustration and annoyance that I expected would come over me during practices were replaced by an increasing desire to love the kids. I found my heart expanding, wanting to make more room to care for them. I found myself smiling as I reassured them that they would do great when they expressed to me how scared they were to go on stage - realizing that similarly, God looks upon me as a little child, scared of the future, scared of what living this life will require of me. But God knows that we will get through everything life inevitably throws at us, because He knows more and will do more than we can ever imagine. As I saw them do their final performance on stage the day of JCC, smiles on their faces, no faces bruised or knees injured, I knew that the God we serve is indeed a faithful God.

Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. 

The key verse of the year for our church has been a verse that I’ve experienced in my life this year. It’s a command that I relate to well as I am such a fearful man who is easily discouraged and pessimistic. But 2007 has been a year that God has actively worked to show me that I am this way because I rely on myself and not in Him. And I am thankful for the different ways He has worked to reveal to me that He is in control and I do not need to fear because He is in control.

The overwhelming source of joy and stress and pain in my life these past couple of months is the birth of our first son Nathan. It’s truly such a miracle and joy to become a father and I’m so thankful for this bundle of joy that God has blessed our family with. It has been only 7 weeks now but these weeks have been full of so many peaks and emotional valleys – but what has risen to the top is my renewed realization of the Father’s deep love for me and his desire to draw me closer to him. I am very thankful for how God provided for me and taught me through this experience, and this is something that has left a deep spiritual marker in my life.

There are some bumps in this experience that I should remember and recognize how God has provided through each moment. The joy of becoming a father was immediately followed by the news of Nathan’s infection in his blood and his transfer to the newborn ICU. The first thing I’m thankful for is the staff at the hospital catching Nathan’s infection early on. Within 6 hours of his birth, he was on antibiotics, minimizing the chances of this infection causing serious problems. It so happened that Eunice and I had checked him into the nursery soon after his birth so that we could rest for a couple of hours. When we were expecting him to be returned to us, the pediatrician came by and told us that Nathan had been moved to the Newborn ICU because of a fever and poor color. We had almost decided to keep him with us and the fact is that if we had kept him with us, he might have had the infection longer and things could have gotten out of hand.

During those 10 long days when Nathan was in the ICU, I remember holding him and just feeling so helplessness. I think I was constantly praying to God and humming and singing to Nathan the songs my grandmother used to sing to me when I was a little kid. One is based on Psalm 23, one of the few songs in Korean that I remember the words to. But I thought about my lord and shepherd who always leads me and provides for me. I reflected on how God had always watched over me and I wondered if my grandmother hadn’t thought about God’s blessing in her life as she sang that song to me again and again. And in the same way, I was singing to my boy, reminded of God’s love for me and praying that Nathan will one day understand that God’s love for him too.

In retrospect, we also see how the baby being in the NICU was also a blessing as he was being cared for by professionals around the clock. This relieved us of any responsibility to care for the baby…and this turned out to be such a blessing. I thought I was in need with the baby in the NICU, but things only got worse as Eunice’s health went from bad to worse. Three days after being discharged from the hospital, it was clear that Eunice’s condition was only getting worse and our OB/GYN friend took her to the hospital to be checked out and eventually readmitted for 5 days. Those were 5 of the longest days for me, with both my baby and wife at the hospital. Although baby was getting well and well treated for, it seemed like we were getting only bad news regarding Eunice. Her body was still retaining a lot of fluid, she had an infection, she was suffering from very high blood pressure, and finally, we found out that her blood count was dangerously low and had been going down since we had checked into the hospital. That’s when this sense of utter helplessness finally struck home. I had tried to stay strong and unmoved but my illusion of being strong finally came crumbling down as I realized how powerless I was and indeed only God could help us through this moment. On the morning we found out about her blood count, Eunice had been taken out for an ultrasound and I remained in the room for a few minutes. I remember trying to pray and having only tears flowing down uncontrollably as I felt so powerless and overwhelmed with helplessness. I cried before God, crying before the one and only one who knows my fears and tears.

Yet as I think back at these events, with each unexpected news, God was breaking down the armor that I had been building up for so many years. I did not want to be so vulnerable and powerless. I had worked so hard to be a man who is self-reliant and detached from the pains and uncertainties around me so that I did not have to face them. And I knew that this attempt to be master and controller over my life was a huge barrier between God and I. It was that not-so transparent armor that I had placed around me so that I could protect the tender and vulnerable child within it. But in doing this, I had shielded my heart from God as well and I felt God at work breaking down this illusion of self-sufficiency that I had been clinging onto.

I’m thankful for how God has been reminding me that I am His child and I do not need to be so fearful. He is my father in heaven in whom is my strength and hope. I am reminded of Nathan who cries in protest and anger and squirms and kicks when I try to change his diaper. He does not realize that the soiled diaper is only hurting him and I am only trying to help him out of my love for him. It’s usually 5am, dark, and I’m tired and yet I love him and I only want to help him - helping this ungrateful and unknowing baby who is kicking my hands away and crying out his guts. Only when I hold him down and forcefully change him do I successfully get this dirty mess out of his life. Yet in this picture, I see a picture of myself. I have soiled my life with my sins and I have not recognized God’s attempts to show me his love for me. God had been trying to change my diaper for so long, but I have been crying and making such a fuss, kicking his hands away by trying so hard to be so self-reliant. It’s only when God works through difficulties that he reveals his heart for me and I am thankful for this experience. I have lived with the illusion that I can provide for myself, and now, my family. Yet God revealed the very heart of the matter to me. I am utterly powerless to protect my son, my wife, and even my own life. I am like a baby at the mercy of the environment around me and God is my loving Father who wants to provide for me.

The stress didn’t end with Eunice and Nathan finally being cleared to come home as we shortly found out that Nathan had a hernia that needed immediate surgery. Again, it was a long week of waiting and being fearful of the hernia. But this brings me to another area that I am thankful for. The church that is behind us, praying for us, and being the source of so much strength and help for us. This was the case from the first day since Nathan was born. Since I had been traveling back and forth from the hospital, the church had been behind us through prayer and expressions of love. When I had been spending time at the hospital watching over Nathan, my peers had taken turns visiting me, spending time with me, bringing food for me. People had taken time off their schedules to show their love for us – from Pastor Ed and Kelly smn, my leaders, to the brothers and sisters who had visited us, brought us flowers and food. It was an overwhelming expressing of care and concern and it fills me with gratitude for the wonderful blessing I had been given through our church. Perhaps God indeed has grand vision for Nathan, because he has already been invested with so many prayers of hundreds of people for him ever since he was born.