I was so grateful that the day Makikio and I celebrated our 5th anniversary happened to also be the launch of our USF ministry. I thought about how most people would have wanted to celebrate their 5th year anniversary by going on a trip or having a nice romantic dinner, yet here were Makiko and I at a bible study. But honestly, I don't know what better way to celebrate God's faithfulness in our lives than by being there at the bible study, and committing once again that our marriage can be used by God to do His work on this campus.

Looking back, I am amazed that Makiko and I have already been married for this long, yet I know without a doubt that it is truly by God's grace, and also through the prayers of many people that has sustained our marriage thus far. Through all the ups and downs of married life, dealing with Makiko's health condition, the birth of our daughter Emma, all I can really say is that God has been good to both of us, and that He has been faithful. We named our daughter Emma as a personal reminder to us that "God is with us" and these past 5 years have been a testimony to that fact.

Personally, I felt it was so appropriate and I was thankful that we could start off this next chapter in our lives, by committing once again to love God and to serve Him wherever He wants us to be through the launch of this new ministry. I still remember that on the first service after we got married, Pastor Ed talked about Nehemiah and rebuilding the wall together with all of the Israelites, and I remember that was our commitment as we started our marriage was to help rebuild and do God's work here with this community of God. 5 years later, with the beginning of our USF ministry, it was such an appropriate opportunity for us to recommit to continuing to serve God and His people.

I am just thankful to be able to witness firsthand how God has already been actively at work here at USF campus. Even though we've only been officially registered as a student group since 9/26, yet we've been having some students consistently come to our bible studies and we are about to start a seeker small group with some two of the guys and also start Course 101 with one other guy!

The past two years or so with my chronic hand condition (repetitive stress injury) has taught me a lot and I feel that it has been a real growing experience. My hand problems started back in the late 90s but weren’t so bad until after Michelle was born, so that I had to drastically cut down my typing, and now can’t write for more than a minute without feeling pain for the rest of the day. Through these years, I’ve experienced a continual decrease in my ability to perform life activities-I remember when I stopped cooking, stopped cleaning, stopped taking notes or writing down my DT’s, numerous times that I emailed out that I would not be checking email, etc. I’ve seen many doctors and tried all kinds of therapies, but no one has been able to help me much except to say that I need to manage it through exercise, managing my work, voice activation, etc.

There were many ups and downs emotionally because of this. My natural bent is to be pessimistic overall, to see the cup as half empty, to be quick to point out why some idea will not work and to be very critical. I’m not sure why I’m like this b/c I grew up in a good home, with kind parents and everything provided for, but I always managed to be dissatisfied and unhappy. We recently took a survey that gauged our optimistic or pessimistic propensity, with a positive score being optimistic and negative pessimistic. Most people scored between -5 and +5, with +5 considered moderately optimistic. I scored a -11, and this just confirmed to me that I am a very pessimistic person. Because of this bent, when I found my hands getting worse, and my overall health declining, I would go into downward spirals of being emotionally very downcast. My mind would go into all kinds of crazy patterns of thinking: "I’m only going to get worse, I’m going to be totally debilitated, I’m going to lose my job and never be able to work again, then our family is going to starve because I’m the main breadwinner, or Daniel’s going to have to work and then miss his calling in life to go into full time ministry and it’s all going to be my fault…" and so on.

Looking back, however, despite all this, I can say confidently that I’m thankful for this time because it taught me something that I never learned in my years of growing up comfortably without much struggle or hardship-how to deny my emotions and do what is right, and how to be thankful and see what God is doing despite what I perceive to be not very good personal circumstances. Besides this, I’ve been the recipient of so much love from so many people because of my hand situation, for which I can only thank God.

I’ve learned how to deny my emotions by proactively seeking out help, either by asking my leaders and peers for help and prayers, or through going to the word of God and prayer. I would talk to my leaders and gain perspective from them, being encouraged to go back to the word of God and just being greatly encouraged by their care and prayers for me. Also, daily devotions became so alive as I hungered for God’s word to set my mind in the right direction, as I saw how easily my mind would go down destructive paths. I wanted my mind to be governed by the word of God rather than my own thinking. So many times, God’s word reminded me of the truth, that I am a sinner whose greatest need has been taken care of, so that I could know the secret of being content in any circumstance. It reminded me of the fact that I shouldn’t be surprised at trials or suffering, and that God’s grace is sufficient for me. Sometimes just thinking about John 3:16, of the extent and depths of God’s love, would help me so much. Often when I prayed, my mind was set straight as well. Many times, I would realize through prayer that my greatest problem is not my physical condition, but my sinful heart, and that would give me perspective on what I really needed to be grieving over. It also gave me reason to be thankful, as I could re-affirm that indeed my sin has been atoned for and my salvation is something that is unchanging. Many times, I’ve clung onto the verse, "Why are you so downcast o my soul, why so disturbed within me?"

I also decided that I would not allow my mind to harbor the same old hopeless thoughts about what “might” happen. When I saw my mind going down that path, I decided that I would try and re-train it to focus on the truth. Not only the truth of the gospel, but the truth that I am very well taken care of and that my condition is not that bad. I have my mother in law who takes care of all my needs at home and with my kids-which most people who are well don’t even dream about! I have numerous people in my life, from my leaders to my friends to staff who serve with me, all kinds of people within this church, who I know are willing to help me with whatever needs I may have, from cooking to cleaning to logistics. Because of my condition, I’ve gotten to work closely with many people on different projects, because I always need someone to be my “hands.” Even when I hear about suffering going on around the world on the news on the way to work, I use that as an opportunity to thank God that I am so well taken care of, or when I hear about single moms, to be grateful that I’m not a single mom with my condition but that I have so much support. Recently, Tom Wolf’s suggestion to tell ourselves every day that “95% of the world doesn’t think like you” was a good opportunity for me to start off the day remembering that even with this condition, I’m still better off than 95% of the world-who would have no recourse when in my situation and who would actually be facing possible total loss of income, poverty, etc.

There have been times when I’ve been tempted to feel sorry for myself because I feel useless and like a failure in ministry. I used to think that my one talent is typing fast (I used to transcribe really well!) but now I don’t even have that, and besides that, I can’t do much of anything. However, I’ve had to again and again acknowledge that God is at work in my life and all around me, so that I couldn’t dwell in such self-pity. In the past two years, I’ve had the privilege of serving in college ministry, of starting kairos and seeing it grow, seeing the leads stretch and really be used by God, been able to work with two scripts in GLive, the juniors and seniors, and saw the miracle of those scripts coming together out of nothing, now in a2f I’ve experienced people’s salvation, people changing, having spiritual breakthroughs, and now the welcome nights and all the people that God has brought to us. I experienced my heart really expanding for others through these years, in empathy, prayer and the desire to really help them. God has done so much despite my many inadequacies, flaws and failures—which are far more abundant than just my hand problem. Though I might feel like I can’t do much, and I’m inadequate in many ways, I certainly can’t deny that God is at work and has included me in that work, and for that I have been in awe, and so grateful, and just wanting to be faithful to the people He has brought. This has taught me that it truly is not about me, but about God’s passion and zeal for souls, and it has taught me that God is compassionate in allowing me to be part of this work. He is not interested so much in what I can do, my abilities or service, but in allowing me to see people from His perspective and in sharing in the desire that others would come to know His love in a deeper way.

These past few years, I have experienced that indeed in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Not that He made my hands better or my circumstances more “certain” in the sense that I know what’s going to happen with my hand condition. Rather, He has allowed me to experience greater trust in Him, and greater conviction that His word is true, that He is a good and compassionate God, and He is more than sufficient to meet my needs. He has allowed me to experience growth in an area that I always struggled with-overcoming my emotions and feelings, and trying to be consistent and faithful to what has been entrusted to me despite how I feel. Even with this condition, I would not trade this experience for anything, and I truly thank God for ALL he has done in my life.

Our firstborn, Elijah, was a relatively “easy” child – healthy, and never gave us a lot of reason to worry. Our second son, Micah, on the other hand, in his 15 months of life has provided for me many vivid reminders that we are so frail, I am not in control of my life, nor my children’s lives.

I remember the sickening feeling I had right after Micah was born, and I didn’t hear any cry or sound from him. He was born with a knot in his umbilical cord, so he came out looking gray and not breathing right away. However the doctors were able to quickly revive him, and my doctor showed us the umbilical cord with the tight knot, saying that we were very fortunate. Steve and I thanked God for protecting him, even when we were so unaware of the threat he had been facing at birth. We recalled how I had been on the prayer list throughout my pregnancy, and we were doubly thankful for all those prayers on our behalf. At 4 months, Micah caught pneumonia, and the whole church prayed for him. He recovered well from that. Then there was the scare we had because our doctor noticed a dimple in his back and as a precautionary measure she recommended that he should be checked for occult spinal bifida that leaves kids handicapped. Many people prayed for him then too. I remember researching online about the details of spinal bifida and how it occurs when the fetus is being formed at 6 weeks of age in their mother’s womb. As I read up on this, I was awed at the wonder of God’s creation and how we are truly knit together cell by cell, but I also felt a sharp sense of helplessness and uneasiness to think about how much I am unaware of and powerless to control, how at every point along the way in my children’s lives, there are countless things that may possibly go wrong. Thankfully, the doctors took tests and said Micah was fine. At the time, it was a reminder that God has protected us and has had mercy on us in so many ways that I’m not even aware of. And that all I can do, and the best thing I can do, is to entrust my life and my children’s lives to God. And now in our most recent episode, Micah is in a body cast because of a broken femur. He’s been in it for 3.5 weeks, with 2.5 weeks to go.

A month ago, Micah had come down with Hand Foot Mouth virus, and then I caught it too. So we were both pretty miserable, tired and unable to eat, and I was staying home with him. Then I fell on the stairs as I was carrying him, but it was not a bad fall so I didn’t give it a second thought. But a few days later, we noticed his leg was swollen and we took him to the doctor. At the time, I was weak from the virus and tired from caring for a sick child all week, and I just couldn’t imagine that things could get worse. But after a long draining day at Children’s Hospital ER, we emerged with Micah in a body cast from his chest to his ankles. On top of that, welcome week was starting in a couple of days. And all I could think was, Lord, help us. I never handled stress well, and though over the years my capacity has increased through all the training and opportunities to serve at our church, I once again realized in a fresh and disappointing way, I really don’t handle stress well. I felt guilty that it was my accident on the stairs that caused Micah’s broken leg, and it really brought a new dimension to my sense of helplessness and powerlessness over my children’s health – I had never really thought about how it would feel being the cause of his injury.

The thought of six weeks of caring for Micah in this cast was simply overwhelming to me. Simple things like changing his diaper, to taking him somewhere in the car, all suddenly became daunting tasks. I made a list of our normal weekly scheduled times when we needed babysitting – usually this is never a concern because Judy Lee organizes all the babysitting needs for our different church activities, but Micah’s need for special care felt like an obstacle to everything– from Sunday service, to prayer meeting, to staff meetings, to our Koinonia group's activities. Not to mention all the additional planning and activities going on because it was Welcome week, the busiest time for college ministry at Cal.

We received calls and food and help immediately from so many people. Kelly and other older sisters called while we were in ER to tell me they were praying for us, Esther Kang and Sarah Kim came by to see us and brought dinner. Kelly called asking us detailed questions about our work situations and schedules and arranged to ask all the unemployed sisters for volunteers to come help us during the day. Judy Lee has been going out of her way to help us plan for all the babysitting needs for Micah. Steve and I, as well as Micah are so happy to see the aunties that come to help us each day… Steve and I because we really really enjoy and need that break to do our daily devotions and catch up with things, and Micah because he has a fresh person to play with him.

People brought us so much food that our fridge was packed. Many many people visited us and cheered us up. Dora found toys on craigslist to keep Micah entertained, Lauren gave us her old stroller which was the right size for Micah to lie down in, Esther Kang heard the stroller had to be modified for Micah and she found Richard Tay and Tim So to make a little ledge so Micah’s feet would be supported, even some of the Korean Department grandmas who babysit all our kids came to visit and bring food and pray for Micah. Our Koinoia group staff sisters would just drop by when they had free time to see how they could help. Someone even mailed an anonymous gift that we assume is for Micah – we still haven’t heard who that’s from. We really want to thank our whole church for your prayers and all your concrete help to us these past few weeks.

But even with all that help, one night during the first week, I was so frustrated because I was still weak from not eating because of the sores in my mouth, and Micah was crying for an hour and wouldn’t go to sleep. Even though I knew Steve was on his way home and would be there to help soon, I felt emotionally spent. I cried along with Micah and I prayed asking God, Lord please take this sores away from my mouth so that I can eat and gain strength to take care of Micah. And I asked him, Lord please do it by tomorrow! But after a painful night of Micah waking up multiple times, I woke up in the morning and I still had those same sores and I felt angry. I felt like, why would God not do this one little thing for me. I have rarely had this kind of thought because ever since I was young, I was always taught that God is God and who am I to make any demands of him. I felt stupid for having this kind of petty upset thought against God – I knew that things could be a lot worse, in the big scheme of things, we were so blessed, 99% of the world has much greater problems to deal with, etc., etc. Though I knew all of this, I could only feel sapped of energy and my patience was long gone.

When Micah was napping I sat down to do my devotions, and I prayed to God asking, Ok, you didn’t heal my sores. what should I do, what do you want me to do in this situation? I thought about what God might be trying to teach me during this time. The clear and unnegotiable truth that came to me was: God is God no matter what my circumstances. And, I thought, maybe God is trying to teach me something through this time. I repented for my angry petty thoughts, but I was still irritable and worn out.

That next day, the devotions text was on David and Goliath. Claire came over and offered to watch Micah while I did my devotions, for which I was SO grateful. The devotions questions were piercing, as I thought about how I am so much like Eliab, who lashed out at his brother due to his stress and sense of personal shame. My reflections from that day: "It is shameful to see how I am reacting under this stress, and the sense of personal shame – first at having fallen that resulted in Micah’s leg getting broken, and then shame at seeing how I can’t handle stress and at my lack of emotional self-control and irritability. I am just a shameful person, who lashes out in anger when stressed and tired. Lord, please forgive me, for this is who I am."

One of the devotions questions: Recall all the ways in which God has helped me grow in my trust in him. On the basis of God’s faithfulness in his past dealings with me, in what areas can I learn to trust him more today? In the past, through difficult times, one of the ways God has helped me grow in my trust in him were the personal ways he speaks to me through his word, addressing the very issues I am going through, in such a way that I know it must be God. On this basis alone, I can trust that he will be with me through this time, that he will continue to speak to me, that he knows how to encourage me when I need it.

And true to my experience of God’s faithfulness in the past, He did address me day after day, in so many personal ways. He helped me to realize, and accept realities about myself, and receive peace and renewal through confessing and repenting of these things.

That same night, Pastor Ed gave the Koinonia bible study on Exodus 17, about the Israelites grumbling about water and testing God. And I thought, Oh my, God is talking to me – as I’ve been grumbling in my heart about my circumstances. Pastor Ed talked about the Israelites’ experience of lack in the desert, and how the issue is, what will my experience of lack do to me? Will I be able to trust God for my lack? He also talked about how offensive it was to test God, and how he wants to relate to us personally through our experience of lack. He talked about asking the questions, What is God trying to do here, in my life and in our church? How can I learn to share God’s perspective?

God has been answering those questions for me through many different messages, devotions, and events. From my devotions in 1 Samuel 21 the next week: Spend some time reflecting on how God has helped me to grow through difficulties in the past. What might God be teaching me through different circumstances today? Through Micah’s broken leg – I feel like God is teaching me my need for PATIENCE, emotional self-control, my need to trust God and not get anxious about ministry and what I am unable to do. About trusting God through all circumstances, not to resort to blame or guilt or self-pity. Having the privilege to receive from our church so much love and concrete help. As I am so concretely experiencing the power and love of our community, I am able to rededicate myself to our purpose and fellowship, to have a fresh sense of what we want to share with those who don’t know God, and to give as I have received.

Another question from the same day read: While the situation may appear bleak, in what ways did God provide for David? How have I experienced God’s timely provisions in the midst of difficulties? I listed out the specific ways I had experienced God’s timely provision during the previous draining couple of weeks. I had a long list, and I could have gone on and on. One amazing provision was that William and Esther and half of their kgroup joined our group this summer. At that time, Steve and I felt that William and Esther leading our kgroup was a timely provision in many ways, but we had no idea at the time that all this would happen with Micah right before Welcome week. God really provided for us and our kgroup in this way. Another was that Steve received a new job offer and the timing was perfect in that he was able to take a couple weeks off before starting his new job to take care of Micah.

Through devotions and messages, I felt God telling me that I should not think of this time as wasted time, but as an opportunity to be molded, just to receive help from our church and to be grateful, but also to mature personally.

Through all the Welcome Nights for our different campus groups, through the prayers for the new students, through the Taiwan mission team’s departure – I’ve had ample opportunity as well to marvel and and be caught up in what God is doing on a larger scale, in our church, and in our world.

He has encouraged me through many people and relationships, and through opportunities to be involved in his work and be lifted out of focusing on my circumstances.

One final devotions sharing is from 1 Samuel 23 where David asks God if he should go save Keilah, and his men say, “Here in Judah we are afraid. How much more, then, if we go to Keilah against the Philistine forces!" I can relate to David’s men so well, the fact that they were in fear for their lives, finding it difficult to survive, and here their leader is volunteering to go fight the Philistines. How his men must have felt: don’t you see we are besieged, it’s all we can do to take care of ourselves. In contrast, I see the bouyant spirit of David – he wants to be used by God, he has confidence that God can still use him even in his besieged state. I wrote in my DT “I’ve been feeling besieged – especially last week. And yet, I can have confidence, that same buoyant spirit as David, that God wants to mold me and use me to minister to the people He has brought into my life and to all these new students. I, too, want to ask God, will you use me? Please tell me what to do today.”

I experienced growth in my life through different situations, which involved me either seeing myself in truth, learning how to love and be loved, and learning of how God has loved so faithfully. Three particular experiences involved taking care of my father, seeing the kind of care and love my leaders have for me, and through caring for students.

I experienced a deeper understanding of God’s love through my father’s Parkinson’s disease and cancer. I learned how God is able to turn situations that seem bleak and despairing into one of hope and renewal. I use to think that God’s blessings took the form of good things, like a birth of a child, or marriage, or getting a job. I never would have thought that God could turn disease and cancer into a blessing, but that is exactly what God did through my father’s illness.

In my sophomore year in college, my father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. I didn’t know this disease would be one of such slow torture, until the effects manifested itself through the deterioration of my father’s health. My father became very much dependent on my family to live day to day. He not only developed difficulty in walking, but needed help with his daily physical needs. It got the point where he would take 2 hours to eat a bowl of oatmeal and even then, he had to resist choking with each spoonful of food. It was difficult to see his transformation of being a prisoner in his own body. He began to lose ability to communicate. His words were reduced to slurs and then to whispers. In the end his communication was reduced to blinking his eyes twice for “yes” and once for “no.” The hardest blow for my family was when we found out that he had esophageal cancer. Truthfully there were times, I found myself crying out to God that it was too much for all of us to take. It was really difficult to see my dad in such a helpless state. I felt so unable and saddened by the truth that I could not do anything to make him better. It was through this time, that God taught me how He could bring to life what I had deemed as hopeless.

The first miracle was through my dad’s salvation decision. I started to see that God used the state of his health to create a humble openness to Jesus. The change in my father’s heart gave me reassurance that God was real and actively working in his heart. I remember sharing with my dad that many of my friends from Davis, Berkeley, and San Francisco church were praying for him. And in response he called me to his side, and for the first time in my whole life, he said “thank you” to me. At that point in my junior year college, I began to see God soften his heart. Before he was ambivalent towards the Gospel and many times ridiculed me for attending church, but now he not only wanted to read the Bible, but also wanted to pray. After the confirmation of my father’s salvation when I moved back to San Francisco, I saw how God minister and comforted through each step level of his deterioration. Though there was pain, frustration, and heartache, my dad was assured that nothing could separate him from the love of God.

I also gained a better sense of God’s love through dependence on others. When I first shared my father’s illness with the brothers and sisters in Davis, they committed to carrying him through prayer. Throughout the course of that year, my father was added to the church’s prayer list and people from Davis, Berkeley, and San Francisco committed to pray for him. I use to think that my family situation was a private matter that I bore on my own, but through the commitment of brothers and sisters at this church, I began to experience the blessing of being carried by others. When I moved back to San Francisco to care for my father, the sisters in San Francisco took it upon themselves to set up weekly rotations to visit my father. So many people visited bringing joy, sharing God’s Words, and praying with my father. Through the care of the brother and sisters, God not only met my family at our lowest point, but also helped us to experience a tangible manifestation of God’s love. This body of Christ adopted on my family as their own family and carried them in prayer, and for this I am so indebted.

Lastly, through caring for my father, I gained a greater perspective of what love looks like.I found myself doing things that I never thought I would ever be able to do. I found myself dressing my dad and washing his feet. I started translating Bible passages and attempted to explain it to him in my broken Chinese. I would wake up at 5 something in the morning to help my mom bathe my dad. There were other times in the morning I would have to hand wash urine soaked clothes and sheets. I never though I would ever be able to do that especially since I was never fond of bodily fluids, however I did it without complaining. In fact I was just happy that I could love my dad in this way. God really stretched my capacity to care through serving my father in those specific ways especially because naturally I am very lazy.

Though my first initial reaction to my father’s Parkinson’s disease and cancer was one of sadness and fear; God was able to turn it into a blessing. From my dad’s salvation, to prayers, to experiencing the strength of God, I see how God can bring light into any situation, no matter how hopeless it might initially seem. I can say that my father, my family, and myself are definitely very blessed to have experienced God in this way.

I do not have much pain or suffering in my life to talk of - my upbringing was stable and uneventful, my parents were nurturing and we were members of the well-heeled middle class in LA. But a few years ago, I went through a cycle of illness, migraine headaches, stomach problems, car accidents and even a broken toe, and though none of these were serious in themselves, the frequency and consistency of my incapacity caused me to seriously question what I might be able to accomplish in life, especially in my service for God. Still young in my 30s, I primarily conceived of my faith as what I do for God in terms of serving others through ministry. This of course is a Biblically healthy attitude for all who take seriously the Lordship and authority of Christ, as we know there is no faith without works. But I have often struggled with another important Biblical value: "being before doing". Naturally lazy and easily satisfied, I have said often that when I discovered Christ's call to service as a natural outgrowth of my love for him, I began to work hard in a way that I have never been able to sustain before. It was exhilarating and fulfilling to expend my time, energy and money for the sake of the Gospel by joining short term mission teams, moving equipment, talking to people, setting up willard, doing whatever needed to be done. But as I lay there in bed many days recovering from yet another bout of illness, it struck me that I might not be able to serve God in the way that I want, which filled me with anxiety, stress and even irritation and frustration. And at the heart of it was: "in the way that I want". Somehow, at the beginning of my walk with God I was all too happy to do whatever was asked of me, but along the way, I began to think, and became even certain, that I ought to serve God in definite and indisputable ways. I had to ask myself, If I never achieve those goals, will I be ok with that? Would I still be able to love God and people in whatever way God wanted me to? Would I be ok being needy and the object of others' service?

I struggled mightily with God and argued with him often. I didn't want to live out my faith in any way other than a course I would chart out as successful. I had to rethink my whole idea of success and failure and a meaningful life in God's eyes. Though I've rarely been ambitious, I began to see how I wanted to do much with God helping me, rather than submitting myself to God as he does his work. I recall we covered Deuteronomy for DT during those days and all of God's words poured out, his laws, provisions, decrees, to the Israelites so that they would become a certain sort of people first and foremost. Yes, to live it out before the nations but only as a natural consequence of their inner, unseen character as people of God. I recall being blessed too by one DT on Ephesians 2:8-9, the famous verses on the grace of God being a gift, undeserved and unearned. A gift to be simply received. And I note again that the following verse talks of doing good works as a result.

But when the good works, in the way that I want, to the extent that I want, could not be done by me, would I continue to demand it be so, or accept my place and be satisfied to serve another way? Through that time, I prayed often, "This is who I am and I accept my limitations. Use me however you will." I tried to persevere through my frequent illness and life's inconveniences instead of being irritated and depressed. As someone has said, an essential part of growing in character is to first accept your personal limitations. I see that it was during this difficult time that God wanted to mold my character. Though still hard at times, I can say much more easily now that I accept my limitations and God's plan for my life if when all is said and done, I can have the kind of inner, unseen character that would honor God.