Growing Through Difficulties
Our firstborn, Elijah, was a relatively “easy” child – healthy, and never gave us a lot of reason to worry. Our second son, Micah, on the other hand, in his 15 months of life has provided for me many vivid reminders that we are so frail, I am not in control of my life, nor my children’s lives.
I remember the sickening feeling I had right after Micah was born, and I didn’t hear any cry or sound from him. He was born with a knot in his umbilical cord, so he came out looking gray and not breathing right away. However the doctors were able to quickly revive him, and my doctor showed us the umbilical cord with the tight knot, saying that we were very fortunate. Steve and I thanked God for protecting him, even when we were so unaware of the threat he had been facing at birth. We recalled how I had been on the prayer list throughout my pregnancy, and we were doubly thankful for all those prayers on our behalf. At 4 months, Micah caught pneumonia, and the whole church prayed for him. He recovered well from that. Then there was the scare we had because our doctor noticed a dimple in his back and as a precautionary measure she recommended that he should be checked for occult spinal bifida that leaves kids handicapped. Many people prayed for him then too. I remember researching online about the details of spinal bifida and how it occurs when the fetus is being formed at 6 weeks of age in their mother’s womb. As I read up on this, I was awed at the wonder of God’s creation and how we are truly knit together cell by cell, but I also felt a sharp sense of helplessness and uneasiness to think about how much I am unaware of and powerless to control, how at every point along the way in my children’s lives, there are countless things that may possibly go wrong. Thankfully, the doctors took tests and said Micah was fine. At the time, it was a reminder that God has protected us and has had mercy on us in so many ways that I’m not even aware of. And that all I can do, and the best thing I can do, is to entrust my life and my children’s lives to God. And now in our most recent episode, Micah is in a body cast because of a broken femur. He’s been in it for 3.5 weeks, with 2.5 weeks to go.
A month ago, Micah had come down with Hand Foot Mouth virus, and then I caught it too. So we were both pretty miserable, tired and unable to eat, and I was staying home with him. Then I fell on the stairs as I was carrying him, but it was not a bad fall so I didn’t give it a second thought. But a few days later, we noticed his leg was swollen and we took him to the doctor. At the time, I was weak from the virus and tired from caring for a sick child all week, and I just couldn’t imagine that things could get worse. But after a long draining day at Children’s Hospital ER, we emerged with Micah in a body cast from his chest to his ankles. On top of that, welcome week was starting in a couple of days. And all I could think was, Lord, help us. I never handled stress well, and though over the years my capacity has increased through all the training and opportunities to serve at our church, I once again realized in a fresh and disappointing way, I really don’t handle stress well. I felt guilty that it was my accident on the stairs that caused Micah’s broken leg, and it really brought a new dimension to my sense of helplessness and powerlessness over my children’s health – I had never really thought about how it would feel being the cause of his injury.
The thought of six weeks of caring for Micah in this cast was simply overwhelming to me. Simple things like changing his diaper, to taking him somewhere in the car, all suddenly became daunting tasks. I made a list of our normal weekly scheduled times when we needed babysitting – usually this is never a concern because Judy Lee organizes all the babysitting needs for our different church activities, but Micah’s need for special care felt like an obstacle to everything– from Sunday service, to prayer meeting, to staff meetings, to our Koinonia group's activities. Not to mention all the additional planning and activities going on because it was Welcome week, the busiest time for college ministry at Cal.
We received calls and food and help immediately from so many people. Kelly and other older sisters called while we were in ER to tell me they were praying for us, Esther Kang and Sarah Kim came by to see us and brought dinner. Kelly called asking us detailed questions about our work situations and schedules and arranged to ask all the unemployed sisters for volunteers to come help us during the day. Judy Lee has been going out of her way to help us plan for all the babysitting needs for Micah. Steve and I, as well as Micah are so happy to see the aunties that come to help us each day… Steve and I because we really really enjoy and need that break to do our daily devotions and catch up with things, and Micah because he has a fresh person to play with him.
People brought us so much food that our fridge was packed. Many many people visited us and cheered us up. Dora found toys on craigslist to keep Micah entertained, Lauren gave us her old stroller which was the right size for Micah to lie down in, Esther Kang heard the stroller had to be modified for Micah and she found Richard Tay and Tim So to make a little ledge so Micah’s feet would be supported, even some of the Korean Department grandmas who babysit all our kids came to visit and bring food and pray for Micah. Our Koinoia group staff sisters would just drop by when they had free time to see how they could help. Someone even mailed an anonymous gift that we assume is for Micah – we still haven’t heard who that’s from. We really want to thank our whole church for your prayers and all your concrete help to us these past few weeks.
But even with all that help, one night during the first week, I was so frustrated because I was still weak from not eating because of the sores in my mouth, and Micah was crying for an hour and wouldn’t go to sleep. Even though I knew Steve was on his way home and would be there to help soon, I felt emotionally spent. I cried along with Micah and I prayed asking God, Lord please take this sores away from my mouth so that I can eat and gain strength to take care of Micah. And I asked him, Lord please do it by tomorrow! But after a painful night of Micah waking up multiple times, I woke up in the morning and I still had those same sores and I felt angry. I felt like, why would God not do this one little thing for me. I have rarely had this kind of thought because ever since I was young, I was always taught that God is God and who am I to make any demands of him. I felt stupid for having this kind of petty upset thought against God – I knew that things could be a lot worse, in the big scheme of things, we were so blessed, 99% of the world has much greater problems to deal with, etc., etc. Though I knew all of this, I could only feel sapped of energy and my patience was long gone.
When Micah was napping I sat down to do my devotions, and I prayed to God asking, Ok, you didn’t heal my sores. what should I do, what do you want me to do in this situation? I thought about what God might be trying to teach me during this time. The clear and unnegotiable truth that came to me was: God is God no matter what my circumstances. And, I thought, maybe God is trying to teach me something through this time. I repented for my angry petty thoughts, but I was still irritable and worn out.
That next day, the devotions text was on David and Goliath. Claire came over and offered to watch Micah while I did my devotions, for which I was SO grateful. The devotions questions were piercing, as I thought about how I am so much like Eliab, who lashed out at his brother due to his stress and sense of personal shame. My reflections from that day: "It is shameful to see how I am reacting under this stress, and the sense of personal shame – first at having fallen that resulted in Micah’s leg getting broken, and then shame at seeing how I can’t handle stress and at my lack of emotional self-control and irritability. I am just a shameful person, who lashes out in anger when stressed and tired. Lord, please forgive me, for this is who I am."
One of the devotions questions: Recall all the ways in which God has helped me grow in my trust in him. On the basis of God’s faithfulness in his past dealings with me, in what areas can I learn to trust him more today? In the past, through difficult times, one of the ways God has helped me grow in my trust in him were the personal ways he speaks to me through his word, addressing the very issues I am going through, in such a way that I know it must be God. On this basis alone, I can trust that he will be with me through this time, that he will continue to speak to me, that he knows how to encourage me when I need it.
And true to my experience of God’s faithfulness in the past, He did address me day after day, in so many personal ways. He helped me to realize, and accept realities about myself, and receive peace and renewal through confessing and repenting of these things.
That same night, Pastor Ed gave the Koinonia bible study on Exodus 17, about the Israelites grumbling about water and testing God. And I thought, Oh my, God is talking to me – as I’ve been grumbling in my heart about my circumstances. Pastor Ed talked about the Israelites’ experience of lack in the desert, and how the issue is, what will my experience of lack do to me? Will I be able to trust God for my lack? He also talked about how offensive it was to test God, and how he wants to relate to us personally through our experience of lack. He talked about asking the questions, What is God trying to do here, in my life and in our church? How can I learn to share God’s perspective?
God has been answering those questions for me through many different messages, devotions, and events. From my devotions in 1 Samuel 21 the next week: Spend some time reflecting on how God has helped me to grow through difficulties in the past. What might God be teaching me through different circumstances today? Through Micah’s broken leg – I feel like God is teaching me my need for PATIENCE, emotional self-control, my need to trust God and not get anxious about ministry and what I am unable to do. About trusting God through all circumstances, not to resort to blame or guilt or self-pity. Having the privilege to receive from our church so much love and concrete help. As I am so concretely experiencing the power and love of our community, I am able to rededicate myself to our purpose and fellowship, to have a fresh sense of what we want to share with those who don’t know God, and to give as I have received.
Another question from the same day read: While the situation may appear bleak, in what ways did God provide for David? How have I experienced God’s timely provisions in the midst of difficulties? I listed out the specific ways I had experienced God’s timely provision during the previous draining couple of weeks. I had a long list, and I could have gone on and on. One amazing provision was that William and Esther and half of their kgroup joined our group this summer. At that time, Steve and I felt that William and Esther leading our kgroup was a timely provision in many ways, but we had no idea at the time that all this would happen with Micah right before Welcome week. God really provided for us and our kgroup in this way. Another was that Steve received a new job offer and the timing was perfect in that he was able to take a couple weeks off before starting his new job to take care of Micah.
Through devotions and messages, I felt God telling me that I should not think of this time as wasted time, but as an opportunity to be molded, just to receive help from our church and to be grateful, but also to mature personally.
Through all the Welcome Nights for our different campus groups, through the prayers for the new students, through the Taiwan mission team’s departure – I’ve had ample opportunity as well to marvel and and be caught up in what God is doing on a larger scale, in our church, and in our world.
He has encouraged me through many people and relationships, and through opportunities to be involved in his work and be lifted out of focusing on my circumstances.
One final devotions sharing is from 1 Samuel 23 where David asks God if he should go save Keilah, and his men say, “Here in Judah we are afraid. How much more, then, if we go to Keilah against the Philistine forces!" I can relate to David’s men so well, the fact that they were in fear for their lives, finding it difficult to survive, and here their leader is volunteering to go fight the Philistines. How his men must have felt: don’t you see we are besieged, it’s all we can do to take care of ourselves. In contrast, I see the bouyant spirit of David – he wants to be used by God, he has confidence that God can still use him even in his besieged state. I wrote in my DT “I’ve been feeling besieged – especially last week. And yet, I can have confidence, that same buoyant spirit as David, that God wants to mold me and use me to minister to the people He has brought into my life and to all these new students. I, too, want to ask God, will you use me? Please tell me what to do today.”