Joyful Pain
Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
The key verse of the year for our church has been a verse that I’ve experienced in my life this year. It’s a command that I relate to well as I am such a fearful man who is easily discouraged and pessimistic. But 2007 has been a year that God has actively worked to show me that I am this way because I rely on myself and not in Him. And I am thankful for the different ways He has worked to reveal to me that He is in control and I do not need to fear because He is in control.
The overwhelming source of joy and stress and pain in my life these past couple of months is the birth of our first son Nathan. It’s truly such a miracle and joy to become a father and I’m so thankful for this bundle of joy that God has blessed our family with. It has been only 7 weeks now but these weeks have been full of so many peaks and emotional valleys – but what has risen to the top is my renewed realization of the Father’s deep love for me and his desire to draw me closer to him. I am very thankful for how God provided for me and taught me through this experience, and this is something that has left a deep spiritual marker in my life.
There are some bumps in this experience that I should remember and recognize how God has provided through each moment. The joy of becoming a father was immediately followed by the news of Nathan’s infection in his blood and his transfer to the newborn ICU. The first thing I’m thankful for is the staff at the hospital catching Nathan’s infection early on. Within 6 hours of his birth, he was on antibiotics, minimizing the chances of this infection causing serious problems. It so happened that Eunice and I had checked him into the nursery soon after his birth so that we could rest for a couple of hours. When we were expecting him to be returned to us, the pediatrician came by and told us that Nathan had been moved to the Newborn ICU because of a fever and poor color. We had almost decided to keep him with us and the fact is that if we had kept him with us, he might have had the infection longer and things could have gotten out of hand.
During those 10 long days when Nathan was in the ICU, I remember holding him and just feeling so helplessness. I think I was constantly praying to God and humming and singing to Nathan the songs my grandmother used to sing to me when I was a little kid. One is based on Psalm 23, one of the few songs in Korean that I remember the words to. But I thought about my lord and shepherd who always leads me and provides for me. I reflected on how God had always watched over me and I wondered if my grandmother hadn’t thought about God’s blessing in her life as she sang that song to me again and again. And in the same way, I was singing to my boy, reminded of God’s love for me and praying that Nathan will one day understand that God’s love for him too.
In retrospect, we also see how the baby being in the NICU was also a blessing as he was being cared for by professionals around the clock. This relieved us of any responsibility to care for the baby…and this turned out to be such a blessing. I thought I was in need with the baby in the NICU, but things only got worse as Eunice’s health went from bad to worse. Three days after being discharged from the hospital, it was clear that Eunice’s condition was only getting worse and our OB/GYN friend took her to the hospital to be checked out and eventually readmitted for 5 days. Those were 5 of the longest days for me, with both my baby and wife at the hospital. Although baby was getting well and well treated for, it seemed like we were getting only bad news regarding Eunice. Her body was still retaining a lot of fluid, she had an infection, she was suffering from very high blood pressure, and finally, we found out that her blood count was dangerously low and had been going down since we had checked into the hospital. That’s when this sense of utter helplessness finally struck home. I had tried to stay strong and unmoved but my illusion of being strong finally came crumbling down as I realized how powerless I was and indeed only God could help us through this moment. On the morning we found out about her blood count, Eunice had been taken out for an ultrasound and I remained in the room for a few minutes. I remember trying to pray and having only tears flowing down uncontrollably as I felt so powerless and overwhelmed with helplessness. I cried before God, crying before the one and only one who knows my fears and tears.
Yet as I think back at these events, with each unexpected news, God was breaking down the armor that I had been building up for so many years. I did not want to be so vulnerable and powerless. I had worked so hard to be a man who is self-reliant and detached from the pains and uncertainties around me so that I did not have to face them. And I knew that this attempt to be master and controller over my life was a huge barrier between God and I. It was that not-so transparent armor that I had placed around me so that I could protect the tender and vulnerable child within it. But in doing this, I had shielded my heart from God as well and I felt God at work breaking down this illusion of self-sufficiency that I had been clinging onto.
I’m thankful for how God has been reminding me that I am His child and I do not need to be so fearful. He is my father in heaven in whom is my strength and hope. I am reminded of Nathan who cries in protest and anger and squirms and kicks when I try to change his diaper. He does not realize that the soiled diaper is only hurting him and I am only trying to help him out of my love for him. It’s usually 5am, dark, and I’m tired and yet I love him and I only want to help him - helping this ungrateful and unknowing baby who is kicking my hands away and crying out his guts. Only when I hold him down and forcefully change him do I successfully get this dirty mess out of his life. Yet in this picture, I see a picture of myself. I have soiled my life with my sins and I have not recognized God’s attempts to show me his love for me. God had been trying to change my diaper for so long, but I have been crying and making such a fuss, kicking his hands away by trying so hard to be so self-reliant. It’s only when God works through difficulties that he reveals his heart for me and I am thankful for this experience. I have lived with the illusion that I can provide for myself, and now, my family. Yet God revealed the very heart of the matter to me. I am utterly powerless to protect my son, my wife, and even my own life. I am like a baby at the mercy of the environment around me and God is my loving Father who wants to provide for me.
The stress didn’t end with Eunice and Nathan finally being cleared to come home as we shortly found out that Nathan had a hernia that needed immediate surgery. Again, it was a long week of waiting and being fearful of the hernia. But this brings me to another area that I am thankful for. The church that is behind us, praying for us, and being the source of so much strength and help for us. This was the case from the first day since Nathan was born. Since I had been traveling back and forth from the hospital, the church had been behind us through prayer and expressions of love. When I had been spending time at the hospital watching over Nathan, my peers had taken turns visiting me, spending time with me, bringing food for me. People had taken time off their schedules to show their love for us – from Pastor Ed and Kelly smn, my leaders, to the brothers and sisters who had visited us, brought us flowers and food. It was an overwhelming expressing of care and concern and it fills me with gratitude for the wonderful blessing I had been given through our church. Perhaps God indeed has grand vision for Nathan, because he has already been invested with so many prayers of hundreds of people for him ever since he was born.